We had a promise made,
We were in love.



Edit:

I need to go on a diet.

I'm really tired of my body the way it is.

I feel depressed.

I'm glad I get to work at a gym.


Edit:

Waking up tired is not the way I want to do things.

Waking up feeling like there are holes drilled in my chest is bizarre.

I love you. I hate you. I miss you. I never hated you. I hate missing you. I always loved you. I still do.

So instead, I'll just hang out until I'm supposed to work this bad, bad job for good, good money and try to concentrate on what is in front of me.

Edit:


Oh my god, laugh out loud.

And my goals are so nearly attainable that I'm watering at the mouth a bit, but all this stress... distraction... lack of money... it's frustrating.

I'll get there, though, because I must, and I will.


Edit: WOOOOOOOOOOO


Crappy flyer-girl job starts tomorrow. I kind of probably just wanted the free gym membership and $9/hour.


But at least now I can hang out and waste my time and stuff.


Additionally, I'm currently making myself whole wheat pasta with spinach that hopefully hasn't gone bad.


Edit2: That was a fuckload of pasta. YUM.

I can't wait to start working out again, ahhhhhhh how delicious I missed it. :[

This year has felt just like hell.

The best parts were spectacular, but most of them so fleeting that I am sometimes inclined to think that they never happened at all. Of course, I can't in good consciousness forget those moments. I wouldn't be pained right now if they hadn't been so spectacular, well, then.

It is all about self-reliance, self-love, and throwing your head into the space above the most hormonal and emotional thoughts, even when it is wreaking havoc on each of your five physical senses.

A few months ago in a tiny room in a plaster house located in a town whose name I never figured out how to spell, I got into what I wasn't sure was a fight or not about how self-centered I was being. It was possibly one of the most strangely worded conversations I'd ever been in, though apparently, from that day I began to learn something. Maybe that was the 'change' he was talking about when he stared me down in his bedroom, hours after pushing away a kiss on the shoulder and shouting, 'Oh my god, fuck you, leave me the fuck alone.'

I doubt it, though.

Whatever I learned probably wasn't from one particular person, though I am really happy that I had that strange conversation that got me to thinking, and borrowed that Hermann Hesse book, and then thought some more.

Skip back to March, the person he fell in love with, and there... I was happy as well. In sync with the physical and mental fronts, or so I felt, and unclouded by others' opinions of myself.

Skip to July, where he was stressed and took it out on me by pulling the heartstring that connected to my brain's circuit-board.

Skip to this morning, here and now, where I'm sitting in my bed and typing this. I just woke up from a dream. In that dream, I was staying with him in a home on an island out somewhere in the middle of nowhere. His mother was still in that house. He didn't know how to help me when the emperor of the island was going to electrocute me for owing him money of some sort... a total fucking mix-up. I kept enjoying my days on the island, trying to think of a plan. I remember a few rides on horseback, a few empty bedrooms, and the fact that he was there. In the end, I think I wanted to borrow money from him, but the emperor was coming for me anyway. I think I bought a plane ticket. I know we burned a lot of things, perhaps it was evidence. I lost my portfolio in one of the endless rooms of that house. This dream, I also remember fights, and yelling, and plane crashes, and friends, and others, but I miss him most. I remember making homes from abandoned, post-apocalyptic buildings and domesticated squirrels. I told him at the end that I could wake up, and it would save me. I didn't want to, but I did, and now I am here and now, sitting in the real-time that is not my dream, and I am not an electrocuted girl, and I miss someone who I'll maybe never ever see again, but you never ever know, I suppose.

The strangest thing is that liking yourself, loving yourself, relying on yourself, whatever you do to sync what you think with what you feel, taste, touch, smell and hear is enough that I haven't been wondering anymore. Aside from feeling heartbroken and stressed and tired from the both, downtrodden by unemployment and how ridiculously difficult it is even to find a bad job, somehow I still know exactly what to do. The answer is as simple as what I would do if I really loved myself, and want to be happy and what exactly is going to make me love my life. I don't hate my life now, but there are things that can be changed to make me really, really love it, and of course I know what they are regardless of whether they will be easy to attain or back-breaking. It really doesn't matter. Since I do love this body and this mind that I have, I'm going to do these easy and difficult things to make my life the best it can be.

Furthermore, while being so self-centered, it becomes clearer how I can be of help instead of use to people around me. Hell, loving yourself is like a 10-steps-simple manual to loving other people. The former is more difficult to focus on than the latter, but it is in the right order, and it's how things simply must be done.

I can't explain much more of it. It's just clearly essential. I'm sure I'll learn even more points and aspects as time goes on, things that haven't even entered my mind in the tiniest shred of a thought yet. I feel perhaps my heartbreak is almost directly caused by the fact that if you won't love yourself, you can't really love someone else. It's complicated. It's difficult. It's tiring and a lifeline all in the same.

So, me? Even in feeling like my chest might be cracking a little when I inhale deeply, I still can feel that the direction I'm going in is the right one, even if he doesn't seem to be going in that direction right now. Who the hell knows? Maybe there will be a bend in both walkways and we'll cross over again, maybe he'll learn and I'll learn all manner of things that lovers need to learn solo and we'll meet again, but for now I have no idea what this lifetime is holding for me, I simply know that I will be with myself for the entire thing.

actually, whatever.


CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS IS COMING


edit:

I barely ate dinner, sipped wine and had a heart-to-heart with a cousin.

Perhaps I miss you. I think I do.

Oh my.

Things are... strange.

A collection of words.

I miss you,

I miss you,

I totally do,

I miss you.

I miss you.

You rocked my world.

But since we are apart,

And for now there is no more I can do,

This is what I will love,

Though not exclusively while I am missing you:

http://marvel.com/catalog/?id=13034

What mirror, where?

I have learned so much

and there is more to learn

and I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

I guess I can be a stripper.

don't really care about being a stripper


I just want to be a lanky little human animal again that gets paid to run around and do lanky little animal things for people


:|
:|
:|
:|

I wanna be in SOLID SHAPE.

And draw.

Battlestar Galactica is a science fiction about Donnie Darko's schoolteacher mother becoming president of the whole wide universe after the a race of robots named after Nylons send a babe whose spine ignites during intercourse to earth to seduce and obtain information from Desmond Hume's double while a big ship filled with characters named after greek gods, coffee houses and sexual innuendo mill about under the drunken command of John McCain.


It's pretty good.

I am heart broken.

Heart briggity broke.

But I don't have the luxury of time to heal over this, I have to be healed right fucking NOW so that I can move on with my life and be myself and be the person he fell in love with to begin with, not necessarily because he needs to be in love with me again so much as I fell in love with that person, too...

Because my heart is BROKEN like a fucker, I still love the guy, I want a kickass job and just sit around making money until I can move the fuck out and I never want to give anyone sex again, save for this past boyfriend and and and


and this video makes me feel better about being alive:

</3

1. I want a job.
2. I want money.
3. I can do it, just give it to me.
4. Recognized.
5.
You are always allowed to be a unicorn.

I am drawing again, honestly, and it is beautiful.



Today, I'm also searching for Poly the cat.

Halloween
Halloween
Halloween
Halloween

I'm still awake, I'll be walking along pretty soon now.

Next entry will have pictures, mark my words.